Why I was dying to get a photo clicked near sun Temple in konark

We got married when we were students and the wedding was held 2 months before exams.
There was no honeymoon trip.
So the man promised to take me to see the konark sun temple as soon as we are done with the exams.

The exams happened and we enrolled into the next course, it was hectic coping up with the domestic needs and academic demands
It went on , previous year gave way to the next and and then to the next , we were done with our studies 3 years after getting married
Stressed( studies) and frustrated (no money) by the end of 3 years we got into serious work mode. And then the first child , the boy arrived .
Konark became a forgotten promise (like dashraths promise to kaikeyi) for the man But not for me.
I was sulking within for he not meeting his promise , but it was understandable too.
Once career takes the front seat, men forget everything
The mad race to reach the pinnacle, they think , if i don't work a day I am going to lose everything. Life becomes a race, a time comes in the married life of a couple when there is stress from parents from in laws from work , no one cooperates no one understands the other person. A subtle comptetion develops between husband and wife regarding career if both of them are competitive. There are insecurities , uncertainties, distractions. Fighting them out consumes maximum energy. Love romance takes back seat. Holidays and celebrations become formality , the couple are on war with each other due to their egos , uncompromising stubbornness. Both of them start having doubts about the relation, and if they did the right thing and if they are doing the right thing by continuing.

The beauty and the saviour of Indian marriages is children, even in the weakest moment it's children who keep the couple together, keep them tied. The worst of a husband or wife are the best of a father or mother. It's like anything and everything for children. It's growing up children who become reason of joy of happiness.
And the real joys of a family unit is children. The dust settles , storm withers , and a new direction emerges. It picks up takes strength from the bottom and becomes strong rich joyous. The most beautiful part of the journey starts ...

I Counsel the man everyday about the beauty of taking small breaks, to leave the world and patients on their own to find a way, to create some memories for the family.

And one such small break is the puri trip
On the drive back to puri from konark
I : if I died without clicking a picture with you in front of the sun temple, my ghost would have haunted you, and made your life miserable, and I will be reborn to marry you again to visit the sun temple

He : somehow I got an inkling about having you as my spouse even in the next janma, and the fear of the same is the only reason I agreed for the PURI trip...
I can take your ghost haunting me , but it's dreadful thinking of a repeat you again

And the son passes a comment from the back seat
Dad i am sure this will be moms next writeup #marriage #puri #suntemple#ghost

I declared
you people don't deserve me , so I am going to find a more loving family in the next janma
But the girl uses her veto power and chooses to be a part of my future family, and the rest of them follow her ...
ONCE AGAIN IT'S THE CHILD WHO IS KEEPING FAMILY TIED FOR ...
SUCH IS THE POWER OF CHILDREN IN INDIAN FAMILIES.

The kangan, bindi, mehendi, kajal , laal joda , sindoor and my karwa chauth varth
4 pm, lunch hour
He: why are you not eating?
I: fasting
He: is it ekadashi today (the 11th day of full moon and new moon)
I: no
He: then why fasting
I: karwa chauth
He: why this new drama, no one in our family does
I: I know, but it is the greed to have you with me for as much number of days as possible, and if this vrat is going to add another day, I will do it…

He: hope this kind of vrats will not shorten your life by a day

I: still not a bad deal, in India it’s easy to find a wife for you in late 40’s and difficult to find a husband for me in early 40’s...

He: silently shifted attention to his phone
Men know the art of drifting away when it doesn’t go in their favor

My empty stomach stimulated my thought process and I was wondering why am i seeking his companionship so much. I made a note of the reasons mentally
1) Do I need him because am used to him
2) Do I need him for the children he fathered
3) Is it for the security (financial, social) he brings to my life
4) do I need him because of the societal pressure(parents and immediate society will never accept that divorce is a non issue when happiness is at stake)
5) do I need him because I am too lazy to search for a replacement
6) do I need him because the chances of finding a replacement are bleak
7) OR IS JUST PURE LOVE
NAH! , I love him because he has provided me with all of the above, and I want him for longer time so that I shall continue to enjoy all of the above.
Though I made peace with the fact “THAT I CAME ALONE AND I WILL HAVE TO GO ALL ALONE “
I am not going to die for anyone nor am I anticipating that someone will give up his life for me.
But If my mom or mom in law or dilli waali babhi where to read this conversation they would yell at me “ aaj ke din tho shub shub bol”, this girl and her philosophy, she is already half mad, and she will drive us insane.
I CAN IMAGINE SOME FUNNY, COMIC REASONS FOR WHY A MAN FEELS THE NEED TO CONTINUE WITH THE SAME WIFE
HAPPY KARWA CHAUTH FRIENDS
And those of you who are single for whatever reason , let me reassure you, that you aren’t missing anything great, neither today or in future.
You can do a lot of beautiful things with your time, money, emotions and life.

घना अँधेरा हैं

घना अँधेरा हैं
सुनसान  काली रात है
चारो और सन्नाटा है
 दूर दूर तक कोई आवाज़ नहीं
 सिर्फ मेरे   साँसों की आहट है
 मैं अकेला था घर पे
खौफ  सा लगने लगा
 लग रहा था कोई है
छुपा हुआ है कहिं
पर हकीकत में कोई नहीं है
ये  राज़  मुझे पता था।

तो  किससे  डर  रहा था ?
आखिर  किससे वहशत  हो रहा था
डर का तस्सवुर ऎसे  हो गया 
की सन्नाटा भी शोर मचा  रहा था
कुछ पल  मैंने गौर करना बंद किया
खामोश बैठ गया
खौफ  को समझने   लगा
 सन्नाटे से दोस्ती होगया 
अपने  करीब होने लगा
बेवजह  ही डरा जा रहा था 
 इल्म की रौशनी ने
बहार के अँधेरे को दूर किया 
बैठे बैठे मैंने खुद से
ढेर सारी  बातें की
अँधेरा आइना बनके
मुझे अपने आप से मिलाया
मैंने रात बितादी शब  के साथ
मोहब्बत सा होगया था अँधेरे  से
शब डूब  गया , पर  मैं  जाग गया

Sunday gyan

Sunday gyan

I : don't you realise he is working against your intrest, why do u help him , when will you understand the true colors of people , why don't you see through their wicked designs

He : so I shouldn't help anyone who is of no use to me ?

I : yes we should help people , invest in people who can be of use to us when we need them

He . Is this your interpretation of bhagwad Gita

I said why r u dragging Gita here

He : because you believe in it, and it says not to expect anything in return

I : it also preaches to not tolerate any wrong done to us

He : so helping a person who is of no use to us is equivalent to doing wrong to oneself ?

Not exactly but we should also understand the motive of the people specially of those who i believe are exploiting u

He : how does that matter to us ?
His motives are his , our motives are ours

I : getting exploited knowingly amounts to foolishness
We will not be forgiven for our ignorance, we should learn with time , upgrade understanding and defeat the bad along with doing the good .

He: I will not concur with your opinion of "helping a man with bad intentions is not good "

I : according to me you are not a smart person

He : the goal of my life is not to get into your good books

I : I will assume that you are helping the other person to get into his good books then ?

He : that's another stupid interpretation

I : you will regret doing this and we will debate on the same one day

He : i do not have any problem wih your faith in your intuition, I believe what I am doing right now is not wrong, if I will be proven wrong later, I will have no regrets for that , because I am doing the right, right now.
__________________________

I observed participated and moderated such family debates innumerable times ..... I think this happens in every household

We are all so circumstantial, at different points of evolution ... everyone has their own journey , and their understanding of right and wrong is their right ..

writing a memoir On the eve of my 41st Birthday...

Writing a memoir On the eve of my 41st Birthday...
The last birthday at my parents' home was a big affair, a farewell kind of thing... brother teased, saying, maybe this will be the last grandest celebration of your life... 
1st birthday after Shaadi
The man is on a fellowship program, and I am at in law place, waiting to join him... he calls the landline at 9:01 pm (as std rates were cheaper after 9), mom-in-law talks first, then dad ... his elder brother could sense my anxiety, and he gets me on to the line with the man bypassing others, and he was the one who remembered my birthday and brought sweets home on the way back from his office.. it was just a plain happy birthday greeting from the man, my hopes, dream of a fairy tale birthday, surprise gift all washed out in an unromantic moment ... I retired to my room and slept weeping that night.... when I met him later that week, I assumed he will show a lot of remorse for missing an opportunity to celebrate my birthday (in his meager income) but to my surprise, no sign of any such guilt, 
My dad used to praise this man so much that I was convinced that my dad could not read, understand, and assess people!
The next Birthday too, was uneventful, and so was the next which apparently fell on a Sunday, I had some hopes that he would make it memorable for me, but he was given Sunday duty reasoning the shortage of manpower at the CORPORATE hospital. My heart broke into pieces. 

The next few birthdays too had the same dry spell; I eventually stopped fantasizing about grand birthday celebrations, Sometimes neighbours took the initiative, and other times, friends tried to make it an occasion for me, but the first move was never made by him.

 Birthday gifts were always books; I used to envy friends who got expensive gifts, luxury holidays, and grand parties as birthday packages. 
But After 2 decades of life with him, I learnt that Celebration is not just pomp and splendour, it cannot be measured materialistically, celebration is joyfulness which should not be constrained to limited days.

Celebrate life; celebrate the moments, the opportunities, the struggles, the goals, the promise, the achievement, the beauty, the giving. 
THE GREATEST GIFT FOR THIS LIFETIME IS HE AND HIS COMPANIONSHIP.
I realize that this life has become a celebration for me because of the joys following our coming together. I have started enjoying this transformation. I believe God created him to help me evolve into the person he intends me to be and my evolution in the true sense has started. 
Thank you all... family, friends, colleagues, partners, associates, for being a part of another good year of my life.

Happy birthday Sathwik Deekonda , its a pleasure sharing space with you on this blessed day!

But never again to cry

The tear stuck in the eye
Ego holding it back
mind says, Why self-pity
Why tears? Use the pain
Don't allow the hurt to wash out
Let the pain run within 
Gain fortitude and motivation 
Convert the adversity into opportunity 
swallow them; listen to your mind
Create new energy channels, use the tears
Use them as therapy.

I go with my mind
a new smile opening on my lips
I lift my chin up and walk with confidence 
Into the unknown, uncharted territories of life
Ready to fight, ready to forgive 
Ready to create, Ready to destroy 
But never again to cry!

thy judgement

For since I have started knowing life and it's ways
Rewards and penalties never come when anticipated 
They strike at the moment least awaited 
Every one like me has their own journey
Fearing retribution for the wrongs done
Seeking redemption in the temples churches and elsewhere
Some facing it with courage others slyly n few others pusillanimously
I dare life to cut me when I go wrong
To show me the mirror often , and keep a check, 
I have no envy ohhh life for your benevolence on few and punitiveness on others
For Each might have earned it, Through their chosen means
Let me accept and face your poetic justice 
Rather than making futile attempts of running away
I welcome thy judgement 
Both retribution and reward with equal honour