My quest is on!

 Last month, I lost my maternal uncle to cardiac arrest. Although he was 74 years old, it shocked us all as he remained in good health, and we all were confident about him enjoying grandchildren's weddings soon. 

Everything happened within minutes; he felt a little restless during the day. The discomfort intensified later in the evening. 

When the daughter drove him to the hospital around 8 pm, he was declared dead. I had a brief conversation with Mama an hour before he breathed his last. Maybe the future pushed us towards striking a conversation as it knew about the impending disaster. Time has its designs to make someone feel guilty, others comforted, and some others disconnected.

He is the oldest mama of the entire extended family, a guardian, caring, loving, and giving person. For many, he was a prototype of God on earth. We saw him tending to our mother and us like a parent as kids. I always envied my mother for having brothers who looked up to her as an angel.

I kept wondering, looking at my aunty, if they ever discussed death. Did they ever ask each other how to move forward when one leaves before the other? Fifty-two years of companionship is like living with each other for perpetuity.

They might have forgotten what it is like not to have the other person's shadow over them.

I asked my cousin if her parents ever discussed death and separation; she couldn't confirm it either way, as her only argument was that her father was a healthy man with another good decade on his side.

I have seen my parents and multiple other couples throwing rhetoric at each other on how much they will miss each other after the death. Arguments on how undervalued one is in others' eyes. Every quarrel ends in the rant, "You will recognise my worth only after I am gone ".

We have used death emotion as a blackmailing tool way too many times, for it has lost its weight in the sentimental quotient.  

It perplexed me how we calculate life and age by factoring in health only and no other parameter. After seeing innumerable cases of sudden, untimely deaths, we still do not want to accept death's multidimensional reality. 

It can strike unexpectedly at random times, leaving evil behind and taking away pious souls. It's discretion, and stochastic selection will remain a mystery forever. 

I wonder why we hesitate to discuss death, knowing the vagaries of it.

I have seen young widows left directionless after the demise of their spouse and older men orphaned and unprepared. The only ones to lead a better life after the passing of their spouse are relatively younger males.

They find luck in getting a bride for themselves; it is easier to find a bride for a widower than a groom for a widow in this country. And I am happy for men because our society pushes them to get espoused as soon as possible.

It is painful to live without a companion, and this anxiety itself hinders us from discussing the topic. While typing this, my fingers shiver, dreading the premonition of the lurking separation. The same fear becomes an impediment to discussing separation. Nevertheless, we should keep aside the irrationality and delve into it realistically to address the elephant in the room.

When I brought this up with my man, he said, listen, I will not die anytime soon. If you have any such forewarnings regarding yourself, don't worry about me after you part; I have better life ideas than I could without you.

I asked what I would discuss with you. For you, all that matters is today; I wanted to have a clear roadmap on what to do after I am gone. You will regret not discussing this.

He: Hello, lady, don't try to play god always; some surprises are essential to stagger you up and strip you of your ego, pride, arrogance, and privileges.

Let them come at their scheduled time; meanwhile, let us live each day as it comes with its share of gifts and trials.

If the death of one of us before the other is inevitable, so be it. I am okay with that, and so should you be. 

I could sense Gyan in his pravachan, but it becomes difficult for people like me, as we always have plans B and C chalked out much ahead of time.

 For me, a life well lived is a task accomplished; 

Promises should be kept, responsibilities fulfilled, liability addressed, and assets distributed.

If death comes now, today, or tomorrow, it should not startle me. I cannot make it feel important by asking for more time. 

Hence, we must ask ourselves daily if we are done with our work for the day in case it strikes us tonight. 

Have we prepared our loved ones to handle life after we are gone? 

Have we submitted our apologies and thanks to the concerned?

The most important question I ask myself every day 

"Am I living life for the virtue of it, or am I living life in anticipation of death "?

I don't know but, want the answers; my quest is on!

Why I started feeling like PM Modi

 Why I started feeling like PM Modi

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Any wife at home is like the prime minister answerable for the well being of everyone at home.

The husband is like the leader of the opposition.

His team consists of his mother and all those people who envy his wife for many reasons.

they envy her for being either extremely beautiful or highly competent

most of the times she is envied even for getting married into a family which according to them is undeserving of her. they envy her luck, her beauty, her energy..basically everything.

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A year ago Cupid struck over a missed call to my cook didi and ever since she has been busy clicking selfies and making video calls to her long-distance beau. After spending more than seven years in my kitchen Recently she ditched me for new found lover.

She knew in and out of my kitchen, sometimes she remembered more about my south Indian cuisine, made softer idlis than I could. She helped me in recruiting staff who used to report to her during my office hours. she was my HRD minister.

My watchman has done enough corruption to accumulate good sum and is traveling frequently to his village building his royal mansion. I overlooked his corruption part as I realised quite early how dependant I was on having a male servant at home to take care of the dogs. so my Defense minister too is mostly travelling and unavailable.

My other didi went home for Christmas celebrations, she left with a bounty of her year-long gathering. Her husband beat her black and blue robbed her of her earnings confined her to house not letting her leave.

So I am now serving without any help from the team and the opposition is having a ball seeing a lone soldier on the ground.

The daughter will silently release a missile talking to herself watching a youtube video " ah how much I miss the brownie...yum". she utters this within my audible range. The mother in me is super hurt so the next morning the first thing they see on the dining table is a freshly baked chocolate cake, the husband murmurs at the breakfast table "the dosa batter is not properly fermented I guess, the taste is little bland", I am all charged to pick up a fight but I comprehended that the statement he made is legally correct, I swallow my pride and act sorry. The next morning starts with prayers for sun god to come out in open, help the batter ferment so that my pride of being a good wife, mother cook is not hurt.

In this way, I am under attack from all the sides the entire day.

I guess the prime minister feels the same about his position, the poor fellow does not even have a wife at home to vent out his frustration.

I relax by spending an hour or so a day on Flipkart and amazon buying stuff to feel good. I guess he too has his me moments in wearing suits with his name written all over, spending a fortune on the beautifully paired waistcoats and kurtas, and his new makeover resembling Tagore is amazing!

The problem with us women is we want to put up a perfect picture of ourselves a good mother, good wife, good boss, good host etc... in putting up these acts we get detached from the core which demands none of the aforementioned. The stress of donning many hats is making us bald literally and figuratively.

Wish we knew and accepted the format of a normal life, a life of being flawed, of being imperfect, of being little selfish.

Working women are under the additional burden of being successful at the office too, while housewives battle the stress of a feeling of inadequacy for not contributing financially to the family.

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I guess neither the PM nor the Lady of the house will ever have the privilege of living a carefree life.

The lady of the house like the prime minister is always striving for perfection, trying to make everyone happy, manage the external and internal affairs of the house, assisted by a team which is always deceiving or intimidating, all along tortured and tormented by the opposition.

Dear PM we are like each other working 15 hours a day serving thankless people.

You and I are answerable to every damn situation occurring in our surroundings. If there is a success story every member of the family will come forward to take credit declaring it as teamwork but when there is a failure you and I are singled out and labelled incompetent and worthless.

I can empathise with you Mr Prime minister and I am sure you will echo my sentiment that we are doing an unappreciated job!

27 VALENTINES AND THE TRANSFORMATION.

 27 VALENTINES AND THE TRANSFORMATION.

Why postpone the celebration to Valentine's day?

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The beginning: You hang on to the person, latch on to his arm all the time, wish to remain stuck to him forever, depend on him, create more dependencies, and love him endlessly. It is a heavenly feeling; you write love ballads, dress for him, dance to his tune and be a chorus to the rhythm he creates.

The backdrop: Trained and tuned to serve the house's milord and take care of his family's needs, the holy duty of a wife and daughter-in-law is Ingrained into our minds like the codes on the ROM. We are assembled with less RAM, more ROM, and a slow processor so that the output is not quick and smart. The Software of a sanskari Nari is preloaded.

The stage of supervised learning.

Habituated & automated: Out of love or conditioning, we start doing everything to please him, help him, make him happy, support him, and stand by him.

In the process, we constantly discover our skills, talents, abilities, and strengths. We are two steps ahead of his thought process in anticipating his needs. Hence, we become psychic readers and expert administrators, developing the ability to deliver ahead of time.

The sanskari Nari software is slowly being re-engineered for robotic process automation.

We are upping our performance, raising the bar with every delivery, furthering the benchmark, and making it challenging for ourselves. Machine learning kicks in here, and we try to seek more ways to impress and please him, which makes us ambitious and keeps the reorder level on alert all the time.

We initially started doing this out of love.

Then for adventure.

Then, experimented on how he would react to our kind, helpful gestures.

Then we do it in anticipation of him returning similar assistance.

When it doesn't happen, we start doing it as a favour, speaking it out loud to the world every time we deliver. Maine kiya, mai hi sab kuch karti hoon.

We started with love, with a preconditioned mind to serve, but we have now metamorphosed into a type of artificial intelligence called "Theory of Mind.

The concept of the "Theory of mind" says that "each of us has thoughts and feelings and expectations for how we'll be treated. And they'll have to adjust their behaviour accordingly.

When nothing works, we realise it is the time to stop pampering start striking, start training.

The kick start of the trauma period: When we stop doing his work, making his bed, filing his papers, keeping his accounts, refusing to search his car keys, denying help in finding matching socks, the cracks appear, the ripples visible, the peace disturbed, his mind in denial of all this.

The sanskari Nari software is now at the final stage of machine learning called "Self Awareness".

She knows her potential, ability, and skill to extend her tentacles beyond domestic horizons.

She knows that she can be much more; her adventures out of her comfort zone and exposure to multiple tasks is propelling her to seek more, explore, unearth and unravel the new her.

In serving the family, she is confronting a newer, upgraded version of her previous self. She has started discovering the possibilities of inchmeal.

Love has finger-held her and walked her through various stages of growth.

It is love that aroused her interest in learning, performing, delivering, and upgrading.

Love has propelled her to rebel, challenge and redesign the processes.

When you are in love, you move mountains for the lover.

When you are in love, you are conscious of what you can bring to the table, which is what love has done to many of us.

It helped me evolve, rise to the occasion, teach, train, monitor, understand, engage, transform, and NEVER GIVE UP.

I would be lying if I say love to me is not about expensive gifts, not a fairy tale, not about exotic holidays, not about designer clothes and diamonds.

But I would never agree if you asked me to trade them for the privilege to explore, experiment and indulge in adventures.

I will value my individuality over inherited wealth; I would love my mental freedom stronger than the conferred gifts. I prefer to walk alone someday rather than be a shadow forever. I like to face the music rather than being a voice in the chorus.

I would want to fight battles on my merit over taking favours from chromosome "Y".

Cheers to love for the challenges it poses, the churning it creates, and all the significant upshots.

Remodel yourself from a preloaded sanskari Nari into self-awareness (artificial intelligence).

If your love is helping in this transformation, then your passion needs to be celebrated every single moment; why postpone it to Valentine day.

#sorryayesha #Ayesha #wishwecouldhelpyou

 #sorryayesha #Ayesha #wishwecouldhelpyou

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I have seen women make a living out of making their husbands total dependants.

The only meaning associated with their life lies in serving their husbands, like handing over the handkerchief, polishing his shoes, arranging his shaving kit, serving him breakfast in the bed, making him pop his pills morning and evening, sometimes even dusting his car. There was no worry as long as they were happy doing it, not applying this same definition and yardstick of being a good wife to fellow women. Stopped labelling women who differed from their ideology as sanskaarheen.

Women fail to understand that adult men need to be taught to take care of themselves.

If mothers failed in their boys' upbringing, then Wives flopped at the game of making men capable of meeting their daily errands, or maybe wives see convenience in making their husbands dependants.

I have seen women do these jobs gleefully in the guise of performing the obligations of a dutiful wife. They wear the badge of an obedient wife with pride and honour and look down on women who do not treat adult men as kids.

I have seen fellow women talk in mean terms about self-reliant working gals. I have also seen women apply different yardsticks to their daughters and daughters-in-law. They want daughters to be independent and daughters-in-law as devoted wives to their badly raised sons.

Behind every Ayesha's death, there is a bogus and dubious practice of exchanging children for money in the name of marriage which itself is a fraud and a biased system.

Why do you think of a daughter as a burden and marriage as an ultimate destination for her?

There is life beyond the clutches of wedlock; there is love, there is work, there is travel, there is pleasure, there is growth, there is happiness in adopting children, there is contentment in taking care of aged parents.

If we raise our daughters to wash off our hands by giving them away in marriage, believe me, we do not deserve to be the parents of a girl child.

If we keep teaching our girls to adopt the practice of worshipping a man a husband as a god, then, trust me, we are raising inferior beings, and that's when Ayesha's will happen.

Raise your daughter as an equal being and teach your son to treat his wife as a free person who deserves the same freedom and respect as his sister. Don't get a maid home; get home a daughter.

Stop talking bad about fellow women to hide your incompetence; stop maligning successful woking women as characterless. Put an end to the scathing attack on all the women who aspire to be much more than what you seek from life.

My complaint largely rests with women and less with men.

They are extremely biased towards men to consider serving men as the ultimate and sole purpose of their lives.

If you talk a word more, you are labelled a rebel, and then the kitty party aunties will start singing in chorus the songs of culture, sanskar Sanskrit blah blah...

Sanskar, my foot, what sanskara is it to crush the needs of a woman aspiring to live, think, work, earn and spend like a Man.

How is it justified when you say a boy should take care of his parents, and it is not the girl's responsibility to take care of her parents?

There is no sanskar more magnanimous than the good intent to accept women as equal beings with equal rights. If your son is precious to you, so is somebody's daughter to them.

Your son needs a wife, you a daughter in law and not just the other way round, respect the interdependence and stop living in a superior world.

Our boardrooms are not yet a very competitive space for men as we have nipped the girls at the budding stage, aspiring to reach there.

The girls spared the boardroom fights for men worldwide; imagine the chaos and clamour in the male world when females start eyeing that space.

The shaken ego, the mutilated pride, and the damaged self-esteem will come out in the open naked, exposing how insecure men are in reality.

Ayesha wish we could do something to save you!

A good part of the past 45 years of my life was submerged in Fear.

 A good part of the past 45 years of my life was submerged in Fear.

; the predominant among the pool of phobias is the fear of losing loved ones.

Many significant decisions in my Life were guided and governed by this same Fear.

Efforts to break out of it made me more apprehensive of the imaginary consequences followed by nightmares and then guilt for making attempts to break out of the fear zone.

The fears are not entirely imaginary. They were propelled by the past incidences, where I lost people ahead of their time, where I have seen my people fight death from close encounters.

The brawl within was long and the battle hard.

A lot of dialogue with self, spiritual wisdom through books and thought-provoking Satsang with friends helped me fight the demons inside, helped me heal, and calm down.

Healing did not mean the damage never existed, but now the damage can no longer control my Life, my future decisions.

I could finally make peace with the famous saying, "Jo hona hai so hoke rahega".

Khalil Gibran's poem on children had a profound influence on the mother in me in respect to the fears about children.

I quote

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Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

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One visible bold outcome of breaching the fear barrier is evident in my decision to send my daughter on a ten-day-long trekking Snow Expedition to an altitude of 12,500 feet in the Garhwal Himalayas.

Dearest Preeshu

It is not easy to release your palm and let you go, but at the same time it is very liberating to let you go, to watch you find your feet, look at Life and gain many newer perspectives beyond the teachings of parents, society, teachers etc.

I have to let you make mistakes, learn lessons, explore things; I have to clear your path, pave the way for your evolution.

Travel will connect your inner world with the outer; this trek may help you appreciate what you have, make you a little responsible for your belongings, help you plan the spending within a given budget, make you a better team player.

My fears were the only barriers standing between you and the big beautiful world outside of the home.

Daughter, as you step out today, my heart is filled with love, happiness, joy and freedom—pain and Fear still lurking in some corners of my heart.

You may falter, you may stumble, and you may turn back to look for support. Indeed, you will not find us physically behind you, and that's when you will look inwards for help for answers.

If you dig out the repository of conversations we had, the conclusions we made for real-life and imaginary situations, you will find many solutions. The freedom to chose a path while standing at the crossroads will be the acid test for you, fail, falter, rise and keep going; we don't know where this new journey will lead to, but as the wise men say, "Life is a journey, not a destination.

Have fun, widen your horizon and scale the heights.

Started missing you already..

Godspeed!

STOP WAITING, START GROWING!

 STOP WAITING, START GROWING!

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Recently I calculated the number of minutes we wives waste in waiting for the husband to attend to their menial daily chores—@10 minimum minutes per day. Sixty hours a year are spent just sitting and waiting doing zilch.

I serve breakfast and wait, serve lunch and wait, serve dinner and wait, wait for him to come out of the office, wait for him to go to the office, wait for him to go for a morning walk, wait for him to get ready to go to a party, wait for him to leave the party, wait for him all the time.

Precisely this is the story of most of the women.

We expend our time waiting because we don't value our time.

So I have now started eating before he does, leaving for work when I am ready, taking a cab to the airport/station, and returning from the party early if staying late doesn't suit me.

To be a good wife, you needn't wait for him to eat before you or eat with you. It should be a matter of convenience for both partners.

Service to your husband or family should not hinder or hamper your individual goals. You will be respected and admired if you value yourself as much as you love the relations.

The sanskari Nari brigade will jump in to give you advice, lectures, Gyan on the duties and responsibilities of a good wife.

A week ago, something similar happened when I was on a pilgrimage with a couple of older women, where the seniormost started taunting me for not wearing toe rings, mangal sutra and bangles.

The Foolish I initially started justifying it, saying it is inconvenient on a train to wear jewellery and sleep. Also, trek to the temple town in shoes with toe rings isn't comfortable.

And then I got into the realignment of my mission of women empowerment, gave her a compelling, persuasive and detailed explanation:

A Good wife's abilities lie in shouldering the responsibilities of running the family, accepting his family, parents, sibling as her own, integrating with his friends, extended family. Taking care of his commitments, Liabilities, standing by him when the world doesn't believe in him give him courage and confidence to chase his dreams. Tell him to not worry about the home front.

A beautiful well-adorned, fearful wife may be good for display, for massaging the ego, for fulfilling the superstitious fears built around some meaningless chains and beads. But a lady full of confidence and grit can do wonders for the family.

I believe in standing by my husband like a pillar, helping him lean and relax when he is tired and defeated.

I don't make sketches to distance him from his parents, crib to him about his relations, bill him excessively for makeup, designer clothes and ornaments.

I said I am with you on this pilgrimage now but made all the arrangements for comfort back home without compromising my desire to travel solo with you on this challenging journey.

Thankfully She nodded in agreement.

I would urge women not to degrade themselves to decorated dolls in the guise of sanskari Nari. If you demote yourself, the surroundings will crush you further. Men who enforce the idea of a decorated doll don't believe in women as equal partners. Either it is an extreme love for the wife or male chauvinism, and believe me, both are dangerous.

Women should get equal freedom to choose how they want to live without people dictating what they should be doing as a good wife or a good daughter in law. And buy me on this, women who get freedom perform much better than those submerged in rules and norms.

A liberated woman will act with responsibility, A caged woman will slyly, connivingly work against the family unit.

More than men, we women need to stand for each other because the world will not end with us; we will have daughters going as daughters-in-law to some other homes and somebody's daughters coming to our homes as our darling daughters-in-law.

Let us make the world a better place for women, let us value ourselves if we wish to be respected by our surroundings, let us raise our boys well, let us become the best mothers and mothers-in-law, and soon our DIL's will start emulating us. We need someone to take charge and establish a benchmark. Let us be the harbingers of the change.

Stop waiting - Start growing.

This photo of rahul gandhi and sanjay raut made me revisit the history books!

 This photo of these two made me revisit the history books!

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After the death of Aurangzeb in 1707 AD, the Mughal empire became weak because of its incapable successors, which benefitted the Britishers immensely.

Succession conflict and power struggle lead to the decline of the Mughal empire.

The Mughal court became a victim of conspiracies and power struggles.

In 1739 owning to bankruptcy in his kingdom, Persian ruler Nadir shah raided India, taking the then Mughal emperor Muhammad shah by surprise. He was unprepared for the battle, owing to the power struggles in his kingdom.

Nadir shah quickly reached Delhi, won the war and returned to Persia with valuables worth 70 crores, Kohinoor diamond and peacock throne,

The Mughal emperor lost his prestige and was left humiliated.

The Marathas and Bengal East India company got a psychological advantage here over the Mughals.

But they knew that the Mughal emperor though weak is still the ruler of India, and he is still the most significant symbol of the political unity of then India.

Rulers of East, West and south accepted the political supremacy and legitimacy of the Mughals.

Britishers meanwhile dislodged the Nawab of Bengal Siraj Ud doula by divide and rule policy. They took the Bengal nawabs minister Mir Jaffar and Jagat Seth, the wealthy financier of Kolkata, on their side, to dislodge Siraj ud doula in the battle of Plassey in 1757.

Later Mir Jaffar was installed as the puppet nawab of Bengal.

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After nadir shahs death, his general Ahmed shah Abdali decided to attack Delhi again.

Marathas offered protection to Mughal emperor Shah Alam 2 in 1759.

All the problems of the Mughal emperor now became the problems of The Marathas.

Ahmad Shah Abdali attacked Delhi with his army; the Marathas, under the leadership of Peshwa Balaji Baji Rao, plunged into the war on behalf of the Mughals.

In the third battle of Panipat in 1761, the Maratha army was brutally defeated and crushed by Ahmad Shah Abdali.

Ahmad Shah Abdali won the war but was not in a strong enough position to become the ruler of Delhi.

Marathas and Mughals were anyways defeated and lost.

Due to the Marathas/Mughals loss, India lost direction on who will become the next ruler of India.

Britishers sensed the vacuum and then went on to defeat one after the other king in all the directions to start a new phase in Indian history which lasted for the next 200 years.

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You are free to reasonably interpret the events and connect the dots from past to present.