46th birthday.

 46 years old, but a wiser me.

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I fail at it repeatedly; the fingers reach the itchy spot on the scalp, scratching with one finger and using others as a covering, all this while conversing with someone or at an important gathering. I try to make it as sophisticated as possible, but invariably, I disappoint myself by scratching with an orgasmic expression on my face. People my age can relate to it, but the problem is with people in their 30s who find it crude and artless to attend to an itchy scalp in public. They will know how itchy the scalp becomes once grey hair starts sprouting.

My skin has started becoming dry for no reason, cracking the corners of my mouth and flaky on the cheekbones. It hurts when I try to stretch my facial muscles. After getting drunk on litres of moisturizer, the skin acts like parched earth starving for water.

The knees that gave me confidence a year ago to do the bhangra and aerobics are now giving up on climbing up to the second floor. The bones start hurting when I sleep for more than six hours at a time.

It is becoming practically impossible to read the expiry date on lipsticks and beer bottles without spectacles; thanks to presbyopia, I started having trouble seeing small print.

I know that I know the person, but beyond knowing the person, I don't remember the name, so I carry on the conversation, hiding my ignorance, but I keep digging for hints on who they are and where we last met!

Did I take my morning medication? Yes no? No/yes-no answers. I ask people in my surroundings if they notice me taking the medicines.

Every day, I hear a voice reverberating from all sides. Hey, you are ageing, ageing, ageing.

Certainly, grey hair, itchy scalp, dry skin, irregular periods, forgetfulness and checking the bank locker twice after locking, all point fingers in the same direction.

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Ageing has a positive character, too. It helped me evolve into a forgiving, accepting and giving being.

It was a long 46 years of battle with envy, fear, greed, pride and arrogance.

It took years to learn

to not let people slip away for minor misunderstandings,

to not react to taunts,

to stop competing, gossiping,

to stop bullying and getting bullied,

to not make any loose comments,

to practice speaking, what I mean,

to do pooja with devotion and not for namesake,

to not dump my problems on god,

to not accept menopause anytime soon,

to not become dependent on Beauty parlours,

to accept mother-in-law as a mother,

to stop finding faults in the husband.

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I am yet to conquer

My dependency on the maids,

courage to sleep alone in a room,

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