To all the mothers out there, biological and otherwise, here is wishing you a happy mothers day! Cheers.

 This Mother's Day is the first time I have missed my mom so extensively.

It had never happened before.

I woke up to a dream in which I called my mom, and she was crying on the phone. When I asked why she denied crying, I could sense her tears through the vibrations in her voice. Mothers cannot hide anything from their daughters. 

I tried again, hello mummy, hello mummy....the line went blank, 

I opened my eyes, and the sharp sunlight spearing through the curtains made me cover my eyes. That's when I felt my moist eyes, so the day started with tears.

I lay on the bed, shielding my eyes with my forearm, thinking of my mother. At 46 years of age, even with so much work, I feel lonely many times, parents gone, children flying out of the nest, body ageing. It all seems so futile and directionless.

My mother, too, might have felt the same.

She wasn't a working woman; In a male-dominated household, economically dependent, and Homebound, the helplessness was manifold in her case. I wish she had lived a little longer, given me an opportunity to take care of her to pamper her the way my children do to me.

Alas, life never gives a second chance. People who leave us will never come back to us. 

___________

I got up to attend to the daily chores with a heavy heart. We adopted a street dog mother while she was pregnant with three puppies. They live just outside our gate. In the morning, with a toothbrush in my mouth, I went out to play with them, gave the babies a nice massage with the comb,  fed them, nursed the mother's wounds, and wished her a happy mothers day. Maybe it was a subconscious attempt to add meaning to life to my existence.

__________________

In the second half, I switched to Netflix and watched spy thrillers back to back, Inglorious bastards and Raazi(5th time).

Sensing my gloominess, the daughter offered to take me out for dinner and shopping; she proffered spending the prize money of Rs 6000/- she won for clearing the KVPY exam with good marks. She suggested that her dad stay home and watch IPL, which makes him happy.

We drove to the Mall, and all along, she indulged in a pep talk to make me happy.

She finally asked me why do you live with dad. He doesn't do anything to make you feel special ever. I never saw him bringing gifts or praising you, or valuing what you do for all of us.

 I said it doesn't hurt me, preesha, as I know his limitations on this aspect; he compensates for it differently. He is a good husband; ours is not a fairytale marriage but fairly and reasonably a good one. He gave me the freedom to live my life on my terms, which I cherish the most in our marriage, and mental freedom is a blessing for an ambitious, competitive working woman.

I haven't outsourced to him the responsibility of always keeping me pleased.

 It is my life, and I should find ways ad means to do things which make me happy without passing on this burden to anyone else.

_____________

We reached the destination, and her moods wavered between buying gifts for me to purchasing things for herself.

We went around the Mall, picking up small stuff from here and there. She picked up some dresses and went to the trial room, checking. The Mall was abuzz with active shoppers on mothers day weekend.

The incredible scene was the one near the ladies' trial room. Men were standing outside with clothes on their shoulders in their hands, waiting for their wives/girlfriends to come out looking for approval. They would send the ladies back with suggestions on fittings on what to keep and discard.

I spent nearly 30 minutes watching the Ramp walk and the audience. I was convinced that the men enjoyed watching women of all ages walking in and out of the trial rooms trying new colourful clothes, short and long. 

Mean The daughter finalized a lovely dress for herself ending my ordeal of standing outside the trial room with a bag full of clothes.

___________________

We eventually came home exhausted with a sack full of apparel for everyone.

I told the aunties(maids) to have dinner and sleep, wished them happy Mother's Day, and asked them if they wanted to eat anything special.

One of the two aunties asked for alcohol. I gave her a chilled beer and told her to fry some fish for the two of them.

Even momentarily, I did not judge her for her choice(beer) of celebration.

She narrated how she in her village home had beer made of rice every weekend. Her friend used to make the spirit with cooked rice and sell it to all the labourers. Most of her clients were women.

My maid is a hardworking woman in her late 40s. Her husband died early, and she brought up the children single-handedly and married her daughter to a man from her caste, but the son eloped with a girl from another caste. Hence she broke off ties with him forever.

Now she earns enough to live life queen-sized and enjoy the spirits and meat every weekend. As her employer, I will ensure she has great fun at work.

My other maid-aunty has been a spinster all her life; she remained married to her responsibilities of taking care of the siblings, parents, nieces and nephews. She, too, is a mother, not a biological mother but a mother goddess to her family members.

I shifted my strategy of hiring aunties in place of Didis for domestic help. Aunties are grounded and stable as they have seen enough of life's good and evil and are better judges of their employer.

___________

Every woman is remarkable with a unique, complex story.

We should not be calling one mother more hardworking than the other. Every mother strives hard to provide the best to her children with all her means.

Demeaning and categorizing women, especially mothers, is not fair.

Once we become a mother, once we take up the responsibility of mothering, I guess we undergo some chemical reactions in our body-mind, which recasts us into very persistent tenacious, relentlessly stubborn women ready to move mountains for the welfare of our children,

_______________

To all the mothers out there, biological and otherwise, here is wishing you a happy mothers day! Cheers.

 

Fake lifestyles, mannerisms, and macho stories

 Recently a lady who later became a friend came to get her Kundli checked.

After answering all her important queries, she asked me one challenging question to which even the Kundli had no answer.

Her query was: Why does my husband change his behaviour in the presence of his mother or his side of the family?  

A loving man suddenly starts behaving like a strict husband who doesn't care much for his wife's opinion.

When he and the kids sit together as a family, he will call my name affectionately, serve me food on the plate, praise my cooking skill, etc. He compliments me to the moon privately but always wants the upper hand in public. 

When his parents are around or when we are amidst some distant relatives, even in a gathering of friends, he will create the impression of a man in control of the house. He will call my name commandingly and summon me for the smallest of the works. 

Please look into my Kundli and tell me the reason for this high-handed approach of my husband.

Recently we went to a friend's place, and while we all were chatting, I said something everyone appreciated; I noticed His face, looks, and body language. His countenances changed the moment people started praising me over him. 

She then asked why my husband is so chameleon-like?

I convinced her by narrating from my personal experiences that not just her husband but all of them are chameleon-like.

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Let me explain; I have analysed this myself for many years.

Husbands are like political parties, always in appeasement mode. The wife and her family are the fixed vote bank. He takes their acceptance for granted like BJP takes some Hindu votes, and AIMIM takes Muslim votes for granted.

They will do and speak precisely that which, according to them, is appealing to the segment they are dealing with. Appeasement is a skill mastered by only two groups on this earth,  political parties and husbands,

Wives are like foolish Aam Janata, who can get swayed by emotions. 

____________

I went on

In a recent conversation with a friend, he brought out some fantastic facts about image building. According to him, we all build a particular image of ourselves and our spouses in our minds and then modulate our behaviour to suit that image.

I asked him: Is it not very common among men to indulge in this image-building exercise?

They create an image of their home, wife, and hospitality in their minds and then enforce the same on the family to do everything to maintain that image. They start accepting or rejecting everything unless it aligns with the picture in their mind.

She asked again you mean to say this problem is universal?

_____________

I enjoyed attending to her as it reminded me of my dad. I told her Maybe her husband interned under the men of my family.

 I guess husbands do not have just two or three faces but always four. They think of themselves like Lord Brahma, our creator. My man also keeps a beard like our creator Ji and, like him, has four faces. 

Brahma Ji's faces signify the sacred knowledge of the four Vedas: Rig, Yajur, Sama, and Atharva. But the men of this world keep multiple fronts to serve that " single great image" they want to create about themselves.

They project Fake lifestyles, mannerisms, and macho stories to expand their self-image. The wife gets dragged into nurturing this image sometimes by force and sometimes by choice.

Those women who resist have stories like these to resonate, and those who participate can come down and write comments on this post.

________________

We had a hearty laugh, and it is a feel-good moment to have somebody share the grief; with her permission, I am disseminating this to you all with the client turned into a friend's permission.

We often alter our character based on others' reactions.

 We often alter our character based on others' reactions.

We try to become like people who we despise. The trait which we loathe in someone is the one which motivates us to behave with them, like them, and gradually it becomes a habit.

Haven't we heard this term often, "I gave it back to her in her style?"

I find something grossly wrong with this saying.

We should always give it back to people in our style, not their style.

Why alter our character for an individual we think is not well-behaved, arrogant, rude, selfish, etc.

Should we get influenced by someone/something Wrong? 

______________

We often walk into gatherings/parties, waiting for others to acknowledge us with a " HI" or a "Hello".

 We look at each other from the corner of our eyes, waiting for the other to make the first move. We sometimes detour to avoid crossing paths, too, for fear of bumping into each other. Most people believe the awkwardness of thwarting is better than initiating the greetings.

_____

Someone avoiding eye contact with us is giving out a signal of disengagement.

People with inferiority or a superiority complex often disregard others.

But what's wrong with saying hi and complimenting people on their dress and appearance? Small talk about dress, kids, etc., always helps dismiss the initial discomfort.

This Fake elitism is so rampant everywhere these days.

________

This pseudo-elitism is rubbing off on most of us. A friend at a previous party suddenly started dodging people to avoid exchanging glances.

We have started becoming like the people we despised most until yesterday.

_______

To me, the most handsome men and women are those 

who acknowledge others' presence

1. with a hi/hello

2. or by waving a hand

3. or bending the neck

4. Look into the eyes from a distance and smile by battling the eyelids.

The Elite may wear the best of the dress, expensive makeup, and diamond jewellery. Still, no person can look attractive or make a pleasant impression without adorning basic mannerisms.

In illuminating and imbibing this fake elitism, we often fail to teach our children, especially teenagers, to approach elders to greet them and receive their blessings.

______

Studies show that people who maintain eye contact are perceived as attractive, competent, socially skilled, in good mental health, credible, and dominant.

When we establish eye contact with someone, we make the person feel important, and human beings value the desire to feel important the most. 

______

we meet all kinds of people at parties 

Some people are not tired of sharing their personal stories.

Someone only has a sad happening to share whenever you meet them.

Some Others give wisdom to the world.

Some share their success stories, hiding the pains, trials and tribulations.

We need to watch and listen to each person, deduce where they are coming from, show empathy, and take home our share of learning.

By indulging people and immersing ourselves in their stories, we enrich our understanding of this world and its workings.

So go, reach out to people, ask questions, listen to them intently, apply your senses, extrapolate your knowledge, and walk out richer every time you exit a party.

______

 Next time you get invited to attend a public gathering or a private party, do not forget 

to wear your smile over the expensive lipstick

positive body language over the designer dress

Walk with confidence irrespective of your height, weight, skin colour, or salary cheque.

Don't become like the fake people who you despise the most.

_________